A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them."
Pregnant Bride
A visitor was strolling along the coastal area one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?"
The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me."
Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"
War is War
Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 80-year-old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us some food!" they demanded.
The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread."
"War is War, bring us the food!"
So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine!"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine!"
So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman!"
"But everyone has left the village. The only female here is my 80 year old grandmother!!"
"War is War, bring her to us!"
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time.'"
Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!"
Toilet Encounter
Frank was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you doing?"
He's not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but he don't know what got into him, so he answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just great!"
And the person in the other stall said, "So, what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At this point, Frank was thinking this was too bizarre, so he said, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point he was just trying to get out as fast as he could, when he heard another question, "Can I come over?"
This question was just too weird for Frank, but he figured he could just be polite and end the conversation. He told the person, "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then he heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
Private Secretary
Police was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 9th-story office.
Nancy, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," Nancy said, "I received a raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary.'
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for just 500 bucks, although I was charging all the other guys in the office one thousand. That's when he jumped out the window."
Santa`s Dream
Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Santa: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Santa: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Santa: It said "Pull"
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